that word carries so much darkness & fear, for some weird reason. the second i started to type it, i was overwhelmed with a sense of sadness. i can’t imagine ever feeling truly alone, until i realized that’s how i live my life nowadays.
i spent 24 years of my life living with my family, then in a dorm, then with more family, then a roommate. when my 25th birthday hit, i packed my bags and entered a place that, for the first time, was solely my own. nothing to share, no one to fight with and not ever having to wait for the shower.
life in motion is one that always means there’s change and transition involved, in my opinion. you wouldn’t be growing without that. i’d be lying if i said living away from my family and friends is easy. throw a long distance relationship in there and it makes day-to-day life a bit of a struggle. for me, it means not seeing those people for days and sometimes week on end, hugging my mom once or twice a month, going what feels like a lifetime without seeing (and sometimes talking) to my best friend and watching my cousins sprout tall like trees right before my eyes.
that’s been my response to a lot of things, because i refuse to dig any deeper than that. and i won’t, because the second i’m overwhelmed with emotion, tears somehow manage to fall out of my face and ain’t nobody got time for that. so instead, i’ll write.
i write for a number of reasons, and until now, i haven’t written anything for quite some time (or at least that wasn’t an email or a press release). again, life.is.hard.
being alone isn’t fun. you’re forced to make weird decisions like what to eat (alone), when to wake up (alone), where to go (alone)… get my drift? you can only hide from that solitude for so long, because you’re essentially hiding from yourself, and you’re not here to treat YOURSELF like a fuckboy.
i accepted, and found comfort, in my solitude a really long time ago. it’s the only way i knew how to live, until it wasn’t anymore. inviting people and things into your safe haven is hard. i trust far and few, i love deeply but only in time, and i’m the HBIC in my life. as walls come down, i find myself building new ones and wondering what the hell i’m actually doing.
with that, i blame trust & faith. i explained the former, but my faith in humans is both high & low. expect the best, prepare for the worst. what a letdown to be built up, only to be torn down. who wants to go through? not i, and honestly, no one. so what do peeps like me do? push it all away.
i’ve read that there’s a difference between being alone & loneliness. i didn’t really get it at first, but i think i do now. alone is solitude, maybe even temporary. i equate loneliness with feeling empty. maybe we feel both simultaneously? i’m not sure.
whatever the case may be, for you or anyone you pass this along to, know that this girl right here feels you. truly. some days are great, others just suck. but i’ve found comfort in knowing that i’m never truly alone (or lonely) if i keep my head up and keep trucking along. we’re all we’ve got sometimes, and that has to be enough some days. it won’t be on others, but that’s what pizza and wine are for.
life is also a whirlwind. and while it may be hard or difficult, i’m ultimately where and what i want to be, working towards the next step, whatever that is (if someone knows, lmk).
smile at a stranger, put your phone in your pocket when walking around, smell a flower, skip to your apt door… something. find delight in the little things and let that fill the holes that leave you feeling less than fulfilled at night.
trust & faith.
find it. in yourself first and in humanity second. it’s present in some way, shape or form. awareness is so incredibly important. we have our doubts, as i know i have mine, and some days you won’t feel like trusting anyone or having faith in a damn thing. treat tomorrow like a fresh start and another chance to get it right — just don’t let it slip away for too long. god will only keep things in front of you for so long before it becomes a missed opportunity, and that feels incredibly worse. trust me.
be strong. fight courageously. take charge.