it’s no secret that i’ve had my fair share of ups and downs. anyone with eyeballs and ears knows that i’ve been (sometimes overly) transparent about the struggles and triumphs of my life–mostly as an outlet, but also to let people know that they aren’t the only one feeling the way they do. *cue we’re all in this together from high school musical*
it took a long time for me to understand that
1- it’s okay to be who i am, quirkiness included and
2- i’m allowed to feel the way i feel
if anyone tries to tell you differently, just yell “LET ME LIVE” and keep it moving.
i’m always on here ranting about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, but like… it’s not easy. for those who manage to work hard (or not) and get what they want, kudos. For those who have to work uber hard and chase that paper, kudos. the reality of life is this–some people are lucky, and others sometimes aren’t. we all struggle, some just struggle more/less than you. but it’s all real, ya feels?
for the first time in a long time, i can legitimately say i’m friggin happy. and this isn’t a “content with life” type of happy, this is a “cheer when I see the sun every morning” type of happy. i’d be a liar if i said i didn’t experience some darkness to get here (and sometimes still do).
when i say life is a process, trust me. i moved some 250 miles away (if you think that’s not far, try sitting in the car for 4 and a half hours by yourself) in march with zero intention of looking back. and i haven’t, with the exception of johnny but that’s a story for another day. i keep my family and friends closely stitched to my heart, but the fog of a small town and the woes that come with that sort of dissipate in the grand scheme of things. remember where you came from, but don’t become it. that’s me in a nutshell. i don’t want to claim this ‘rough’ childhood, because my mom would whoop my ass if i did. i grew up in a loving household with a mom who wouldn’t let me leave the table until my homework was finished, and a brother who was cool in his own right and never steered from that. i think that’s where i get the courage to be myself from. My brother loves video games and rock music (among other things), aka the opposite of me. I’d poke fun at him sometimes, but he’d always brush me off with a ‘whatever’ and leave it at that. The kid was totally okay with being who he was, and in that, along with his momma’s boy ways, is the coolest kid i know. we bonded, and still do, through sports and j. cole. he cried when i got my new job, because we’d stay up at all hours of the night talking about our dreams, and mine was always that–this, i should say.
I am living the dream – my dream – and while some dreams didn’t come true (aka that one time I was almost miss nj), i wouldn’t trade anything that led me to this moment for the world, and trust me, it’s a lot of shit. bad boyfriends, torn friendships, countless nights of zero sleep, lots of books, ice cream, a plethora of weird hairstyles and so much more (you get the idea), i am here. I am present, with a new pair of warby parker glasses, seeing the world so much clearer than before, and i have “the process” to thank for that.
here’s the newsflash i have for everyone: every masterpiece takes time. I like to think that we are all ice blocks: giant, heavy, cold ice blocks. the good stuff keeps up strong and sturdy, and the bad stuff chips away at us, piece by piece. but in those moments, we become more shapely, more defined. chip by chip, we are broken down & chiseled until we look/feel like those gorg ice swans at weddings.
you don’t rush art, and you shouldn’t rush life.
i’ve learned more about myself in the last three months than i thought i ever could. you take a girl 30 minutes from all her friends and a quick drive from home and move her to a completely different state, living alone, and that will happen. but i’m grateful. so grateful. I get nervous and excited everyday when i go to work, because i know i’m going to be challenged (and possibly see someone really cool while i’m getting lunch). I have a boss that respects my ideas and wants to learn from me, and some pretty stellar colleagues. my heart is so full because my friends check up on me, and i get to talk and spend time with a pretty great guy who’s changed every single opinion i’ve ever had on the male species (ladies–there are a few good ones left).
i’m happy. it wasn’t always this way, but it is now. maybe it took removing myself from a world i always knew and placing myself in unknown territory, but it happened. it doesn’t have to be that way for everyone, but it certainly was the case for me. there’s something so gratifying about knowing that every moment, every person, every situation in your life attributed to the day you could say finally.
with that being said, the hard work isn’t over and the newness of life is and should be treated as a daily gift. take the challenge, choose to smile and know that this world doesn’t have to be a scary place if you understand that it’s very much a process. we live in a world where everything is instantaneous– but that doesn’t necessarily apply to your success. work hard, play hard, appreciate the moments and make the choice to pursue happiness, however you define it. don’t forget to follow your dreams and thank everyone along the way. blessings or lessons, people and things serve a purpose. the roads you travel, no matter how many there are, can only lead the way — so long as you’re always moving forward.