something about nothing (or everything, who knows)

hey y’all. it’s been a while. six months is a long time, but don’t you worry. i’m here with my thoughts and reflections, and ready to share them with you (per usual).

since the last time i’ve written something that wasn’t work-related, i’ve turned 26 and somehow feel as young as ever (minus the hip pain i get from time to time). i’ve been doing a lot of reading and soul searching as of late, simply because as you get older, you get wiser (or at least you think you do), and you grow to realize the importance, or lack there of, in certain facets of your life.

need to shoutout my girl kelsey dacus, who has been brutally transparent and honest in stripping the layers to share what’s in her soul. it’s inspiring, and reminded me that i needed to get back to what i loved doing–blogging about life and how i’m figuring it out with the rest of you.

despite being in my job for over a year now, there’s still a sense of discomfort and newness to it all. conn isn’t nj, and i’ve promised myself that i will continue to explore and put myself out there. but what happens on the days when i can’t? when i feel shy, anxious, or too tired to put my best foot forward? unfortunately, it happens more times than not, but i’m working to change that.

insecurities are debilitating, fear is paralyzing.

all of that sounds pretty intimidating. but it’s what i’ve tried to remind myself each and every day.

you can’t put restrictions on your life simply because you aren’t ‘feelin’ it’ that day. there will be days, i assure you, but it should be out of the ordinary; not the norm.

now, more than ever, i’m learning that life really is happening so fast. babies are coming, expensive ass rings are being bought, and here i am deciding whether i want ice cream or pasta, and sifting through the netflix catalog. but that can all change, in an instant.

you never know what’s planned. you never know what the universe, or God, or both have in store for you. so you better be prepared, smile on your face and helmet/shoulder pads on, ready to tackle whatever comes your way. there will be good, and there will be bad, but in both of those things comes lessons, experiences, growth, sadness, hell–maybe even tears. but isn’t the goal to fight through the rain ’til you see the rainbow?

i’m a huge fan of ‘take me as i am, or watch me as i leave,’ but that saying (that i sometimes say a little too emphatically) is the very shield that is made of the very insecurities and fear that i so gravely despise. so when is it time to put the shield down, and let life happen? when you’re fully in control, or when there’s no one left to fight it?

the answer is neither.

because you will have lost out on anything good or right if you reach any of those options.

being in control–fully and totally–will never be realistic. expecting someone to fight for you, your friendship or your love will only get exhausting.

sometimes, you have to let life happen. and that could mean nothing to you, or it could mean everything for you. but i’ve learned that in keeping a shield up, i’ve lost a little bit of myself. i lost the optimistic outlook i had on anyone and everything. i lost hope in things. i lost my innocence–being naive to circumstances and automatically having a tough exterior.

but that ended in the last few days.

i’ve learned that living your fullest life means that sometimes people are going to let you down, but that should only be after you’ve given all your love and trust and very being to make it all you wanted. especially if there’s great people in your life.

don’t let your fears paralyze you. don’t allow your insecurities to debilitate you.

put the shield down. ignite whatever high spirits or inner happiness you need to tackle each day with a smile and the notion that it WILL be a GREAT day. and before you know it, it will be.

every. single. day.

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