insecurity & uncertainty.

every year, around this time, i find myself reflecting on the year i had. up until this point, it was usually filled with insecurities about my weight, or my shortcomings, or simply me just trying to figure myself out.

the latter is still very much a constant, and i think it always should be. we aren’t progressing or moving forward or growing if we aren’t becoming newer, different and better versions of ourselves.

2016 was filled with promise and hope for me, and that’s the first time in a long time that i’ve felt as though things fell my way. one phone call in january changed my life, and i will forever be grateful. that’s the thing about life– it’s the small moments that make the big ones. i still remember watching keeping up with the kardashians after a flight home from work & seeing my phone light up with a california number. disney was calling to make all my dreams come true–so magical and cheesy, i know.

but i sobbed. i hung up the phone, and curled down into a ball on my living room floor & i cried my little eyes out thinking ‘finally.’ all i wanted was change. i prayed on it and wished it to whatever higher being is up there making sure we are all following our path with grace. fast forward a month and tragedy struck in an unforeseeable way, and this time i was on the phone with someone who was crying with me. not tears of joy and happiness, but the type of tears that make you wonder how someone so delicate, bright and charismatic could be pulled from the earth before she got her chance to fully shine. that day in february wasn’t a fun one. and while it didn’t hit directly home for me, it did for a lot of other people that i love and care about.

life comes at you fast. and not one single day is promised. i learned that a while ago when i lost my friend josh, and again this past february when cara passed away. but we find strength, somehow & someway, to carry on while remembering that others don’t get the chance to. we shed tears, we hold people’s hands, we hug it out, and we believe that it all has a purpose–the good, bad, ugly, sad.

i mean.. it has to, right?

even if solely serving as a reminder to never live dully or a step behind. or to give us a boost or a tap on the ass to be alive and in the moment.

the uncertainties in life can swallow us whole if we forget to do just that – be in the moment. everyday there is an unknown, from the weather to who you’ll talk to, to how your day will actually go. but you make the choice to wake up, be present and conquer whatever comes your way.

so.. fast forward to march, and i’m in my living room again, but it’s as movers take my things away. i accepted my dream job & two very kind men are coming to take my belongings to connecticut. i asked for change, and i got it. a new place, a new space, a new job – happy 25th birthday to me. i, to this day, am still adapting. because we wish for change & something to make us feel more alive, but forget that we must adapt and conform in order to not only accept the change, but to actually be the change.

i think in wanting change, we sometimes stand in the way of our happiness. i know i certainly was, because it took me a really long time to shake the insecurities i have of myself & the dirtbag men in my life to be accepting of something bigger than myself – things that i ultimately can’t control. things that we as people can’t control, because truthfully & wholeheartedly, you can’t help who you love. and you can only fight it for so long before someone calls you out of your bullshit & tells you to chill (thank you, taylor garrett).

i allowed a lot of things to happen this year, some okay, but mostly good. things i normally wouldn’t allow to happen. you see, when you finally get out of your own way, the universe (and hopefully good karma) takes its course. when you open your heart, you allow love & happiness in to fill the void. when you feed your soul, you give yourself the chance to smile for no reason.

i’ve made mistakes, and i am most certainly not perfect. but if i had to choose one thing i’m most proud of in 2016–it’s allowing myself to love again. (though my job is a very close second)

a cringeworthy sentence for sure, but hear me out. self-love is an obstacle. it took me years & years to be comfortable with who i am. learning to love yourself is one thing. being able to love someone else, and do that selflessly, is a whole other battle. but we learn, and make the choice to love the people who we hold close to the vest each & everyday.

2016 taught me a whole bunch of stuff- things i’ve written about and stuff that i haven’t. but my hope with whoever is reading this is that you find your happy, and that you believe it’s yours for the taking and the keeping. if you’ve followed my writings, you know that the last seven years has been anything but glamourous. but the one thing that has never wavered in the belief and hope that ‘someday’ it would all be worth it. someday the grueling 4am wake up calls & heartbreaks & tears and sacrifices would be worth it.

my someday came, and i hope, no i know, it will for you too.

money will come and go, jobs are jobs, bad days suck & good days are awesome, but no amount of money or accolades will ever equal the joy of being able to share that with someone, and the family & friends you love most.

people say time is an illusion, and after a conversation this past week, i’m led to believe that we should never put time constraints on what we want to accomplish & achieve. the key to that, however, is understanding that time doesn’t stand still and we should never stop chasing, hoping, believing and working towards tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.

uncertainties and insecurities- that’s how i’m labeling 2016. because they were the two things i learned to overcome. we must have blind faith in times of fear & be forthright in our journeys. we only get one shot, but we live our lives the right way, once is enough.

trust. breathe. believe.

here’s to 2017- with cheers & smiles & the hope that we become better versions of ourselves, each and everyday.

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