today I decided I was going to be better.
I find myself in a Groundhog Day type scenario the second the sun (or sound of the wind chill) awakens me each morning. by habit, I check my phone for any text messages that I didn’t answer abruptly at 3am, as well as important emails. I read theSkimm and scroll Twitter for the latest news and then the lock button is clicked.
“I’m going to get my life together today.”
that’s the daily sentiment. as a young, ambitious person who’s accustomed to working 12-14 hour days and sleeping for a sixth of the day, having the time and schedule to sleep in until 11am is just bittersweet and frustrating all in one for this 23 going on 24-year-old.
I chose my field of study because I was passionate about it. people will say “why sports” and at this point, my response is “I love it.” and I do. during my internship interview with the New York Mets, David Newman told me that if you choose a career you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I want to work. I like to work. I need to work.
life is changing.
admist this [what I hope to be] short stint of unemployment, I’ve come to realize that I’m skating on the line of adulthood. bills are rolling in, friends are graduating and moving and I have some serious decisions to make about what’s next for me. While I was preparing for an interview a few weeks ago, I wrote “today I’m going to be better” in my notebook. that was the only thing on the college-ruled sheet, centered directly on the first line.
I fear being ordinary. it isn’t shame-based, but more so the thought of always striving and wanting more for myself and those around me. I’m not sure if it’s societal implications of what it means to be “basic,” but I don’t want to be that either.
I want to be great. shouldn’t we all? in life, in love, in happiness, in family, in friendships, in relationships, in my career, in my talents… greatness is what I hope to achieve. the second you sell yourself short or settle for what you think could or can work “for now,” you’re cheating yourself. treat a temporary situation as just that–temporary. consider temporary as a stepping stone for permanence & what you REALLY want.
and so, I spend my days working out, applying to jobs I dream of working and just waiting. waiting for the universe or someone or something or God to answer my prayers. I pray every night– for my best friend, for my family, for a boy and lastly myself and my dreams. Slowly but surely the universe is responding. I attribute that to Mercury being in retrograde, but you take advantage of these things while the planets are in your favor.
Cierra and I had this long conversation the other day about our tendencies, sadness, wants/needs and fears. (the idea that in a few short months I could be states away from my best friend is just creepy, but I won’t go there right now.) In this convo that went from talking about Disney’s Tarzan to paragraph-long words of wisdom, I was both enlightened and comforted not only by her words, but by my own. And then we talked about tacos.
taking it day by day.
within those paragraph-long texts, we both found little pieces of hope and of ourselves. in my opinion, we are all puzzles, but we don’t own all of the pieces. our jigsaw is solved daily as the people we meet, the experiences we encounter and the love that grows within us continuously adds a tiny piece to the big puzzle. if we had everything figured out, life would be hella boring. as Hannah Brencher put it, “I am mapless and I thank God for that.” There’s so much spontaneity and excitement and wonder for what each day holds. and that’s such a treasureable trait of life that should never be taken for granted.
“The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart. And being thoughtful. And being generous. Everything else is crap…”
amen. there’s so much validity to this statement. there are certainly a lot of other things that are sexy and aren’t crap, but intelligence, thoughtfulness and generosity are beautiful characteristics to uphold and maintain in every facet of life. it insinuates a sense of confidence and allures all the right people and respect.
never give up hope.
hope is present in the strangest, most random and even the most obvious of places. don’t give up on people or yourself. if you speak truthfully and honestly about your wishes, they will be sent out into the universe and it will be heard.
take the necessary steps everyday and march towards your goals. be open-minded, wear a smile, stay informed and don’t lose sight of what’s ahead. you never know what blessings could come your way, so be alert and pay attention.
let today be the day you choose to be better.